1. Treasurer Joe Hockey was so dismayed when dining at a pizzeria he “exploded” all over his deep-pan BBQ meatlovers. The Mr Creosote of politics went kablooey over his cheesy crust, calling the mayor to complain after regulations forbade him moving the shop’s tables and chairs, or using the wood-fired pizza oven to light his stogie. Smokin’ Joe was so incensed he changed his order to home delivery, only to find the delivery guy was a poor person and therefore didn’t have a car. “The Treasurer of Australia feels the same pain you do,” Hockey later told business owners. “From now on I’m going drive-thru.”
2. Fellow parliamentarian Jacqui Lambie paused her hunt for a well-hung fella to propose fining parents $34,000 for dressing their daughter in a burqa. Parents also face imprisonment under the proposed ban on offensive fashion, which includes facial coverings, animal onesies, leggings and loom band bracelets. Anyone wearing “identity-concealing garments” could also be fined – prompting police to put on extra officers for Halloween. “Our enemies will laugh at us,” cried Senator Lambie, with no apparent sense of irony. Palmer United Party leader Clive Palmer distanced himself from the comments, saying he had no idea what Lambie was saying on this matter or any other.
3. Freedom fighter Clive Palmerdubbed Queensland premier Campbell Newman “little Hitler”, over moves to make his party prove it has at least 500 members. “We’ve got thousands of them. They’re oozing out over us,” Palmer said, briefly confusing PUP members with mucous. The wannabe billionaire compared the premier to some of the most abhorrent figures in history, including Hitler, Stalin and that guy from The Bachelor. Palmer also backed the federal government’s Direct Action climate policy, prompting Labor’s Mark Butler to claim he had fallen victim to “jedi mind tricks”. “I don’t know where you get your delusions, laser brain.” Palmer responded.
4. Staying with tyrants, former dictator Manuel Noriegafailed to win compensation from video game makers for implying he had committed “fictional heinous crimes”. Panama’s pockmarked ex-ruler, who is in prison for murdering opponents, had sought damages over his depiction in Call of Duty: Black Ops II as a character called “old pineapple face”, who is a “kidnapper, murderer and enemy of the state”. “I don’t even look like a pineapple,” Noriega whined. In related news, North Korea’s Kim Jong-un disavowed any likeness to Pokemon character Pikachu, while Syria’s Bashar al-Assad said any similarity between himself and Luigi from Mario Bros. was purely coincidental.
5. Preaching to the masses was Pope Francis, who declared evolution was real and God was not “a magician”. The pontiff, who met Panama’s President Juan Carlos Varela Rodríguez recently, created a stir on social media by telling the Pontifical Academy of Sciences (motto: “Jesus is my lab partner”) that “evolution in nature is not inconsistent with the notion of creation”. “God is not a magician but the creator who brought everything to life,” the Pope argued, before also claiming The Big Bang Theory was an insightful TV show and that on the opening of the sixth seal the sun will turn black like sackcloth made of goat hair.
6. Also trending on social media was singer Robbie Williams, who live-tweeted the birth of his second child to wife Ayda Field and posted videos of her 24-hour labour. Highlights of the online production (#letmedilateyou) included footage of Field grimacing during a contraction, Field receiving an epidural and Williams singing Let It Go as the baby is crowning. Film critics noted the production’s gritty realism and rather messy finale. A much-anticipated sequel (working title: Here Comes the Placenta) is in post-production. “Thank you for sharing the journey with us,” Williams told his followers. “I’m slightly drugged still,” Field added.